In North Beach

Fort Point v.1

Ben and I have recently started going to Fort Point/Crissy Field on the weekends. We walk around, watch the doggies playing on the beach and make up little stories about what the dogs are saying/thinking. "You'll never catch me, losers! Wait, catch me!" Or, "Throw the ball, throw it, c'mon, throw the ball, omg throoooowwwww it." Or "This water is so much colder than I expected. I regret all my life choices!" I wonder whether people hear us and think we're insane.We just miss having a dog, you judgmental jerks. Dang.

Medium Walk on a Medium Pier

On the weekends, Ben and I take walks around the city. Last weekend, we found a pier off the Embarcadero that we'd never seen before.

A Long Absence, A Terrible Loss

Our dog died in February. She would have been 14 this year. Though Ben and I both know that 14 years is a good long lifetime for a big dog like Audrey, it simply wasn't enough time for us. We were, and remain, devastated by her loss.Needless to say, I haven't felt much like blogging.Life goes on, of course. But still, not a day goes by when we don't look at her pictures or talk about how much we miss her. We still do that silly thing where we speak in her voice when we mock each other. We dream about her at night. We were a such closely knit little pack. We will never get over her. We miss you so much, Audrey. We love you so much.Someone, please, give us our dog back. 

Factday Friday: Xmas Edition

It's the most wonderful time of the year! A time for joy! A time for merriment! A time for total factual accuracy!

FACT: Live Christmas trees have been sold commercially in the United States since 1850, with the first retail tree lot opening in New York in 1851. [Source]FACT: 1.76 billion candy canes are produced in the United States each year. [Source]FACT: The annual tally of candy-cane-spear-related fatalities and/or injuries remains undocumented at this time. My guess, however, is that most candy-cane-spear-related injuries are self-inflicted and, therefore, go unreported. [Source]FACT: The two weeks prior to Christmas are the year's peak season for the break up of romantic relationships. However, if you can make it to Christmas Day, you're home free! Statistically, Christmas Day has the fewest break-ups of any day all year. [Source]Merry Christmas![The Factday Friday format is shamelessly ganked from LiveTheDayAway.] 

My Dog is an Awesome Dog

These pictures are old, but Audrey (now 13) is still as awesome a dog as ever there was.

Mowing

There was never a sound beside the wood but one,And that was my long scythe whispering to the ground.What was it it whispered? I knew not well myself;Perhaps it was something about the heat of the sun,Something, perhaps, about the lack of sound—And that was why it whispered and did not speak.It was no dream of the gift of idle hours,Or easy gold at the hand of fay or elf:Anything more than the truth would have seemed too weakTo the earnest love that laid the swale in rows,Not without feeble-pointed spikes of flowers(Pale orchises), and scared a bright green snake.The fact is the sweetest dream that labor knows.My long scythe whispered and left the hay to make.

Mowing, by Robert Frost

My First Factday Friday: J Rabbit Edition

It's Factday Friday – the (totally, probably) recurring Friday post structure that I've shamelessly ganked from Live the Day Away. However, whereas Catalina fills her Factday Friday with interesting, topical, socio-politically relevant news items; I will fill my Factday Fridays with whatever nonsense happens to strike my fancy. FACT.FACT: J Rabbit is a South Korean indie music duo whom I just discovered this morning via the internets, and who have recorded this cover of the American Christmas classic Let It Snow to the delight of all.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/_D3lM9S3sr4]

FACT: J Rabbit has a song called "Happy Things" that, while incomprehensible to this non-speaker of Korean, is just about as happy as a thing can be.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/fhs55HEl-Gc]

FACT: In the following video, one member of J Rabbit plays the melodica.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/iHBUY-BCd60]

FACT: The melodica is also sometimes referred to as a "pianica," "blow-organ" or "key-flute." [wiki]

DIY: Holiday Gift Wrap

This is my present for our office's white elephant gift exchange. The content of the present is a story unto itself, but the wrapping is a tasteful affair consisting of post-it notes, scotch tape and a festive gingerbread man for an extra touch of pizazz. You're welcome, internet.

Donald Barthelme's "The School"

Well, we had all these children out planting trees, see, because we figured that ... that was part of their education, to see how, you know, the root systems ... and also the sense of responsibility, taking care of things, being individually responsible. You know what I mean. And the trees all died. They were orange trees. I don’t know why they died, they just died. Something wrong with the soil possibly or maybe the stuff we got from the nursery wasn’t the best. We complained about it. So we’ve got thirty kids there, each kid had his or her own little tree to plant and we’ve got these thirty dead trees. All these kids looking at these little brown sticks, it was depressing.

Excerpt from one of my all-time favorite short stories, The School, by Donald Barthelme. You can read the (very, very short) full text of The School online via NPR.

Cyr Wheels in Golden Gate Park

Today, at the little blacktop skate park in Golden Gate Park, we encountered a group of people rolling around on what looked like giant metal hula hoops:Little did we know that this is a TOTALLY LEGIT THING. How legit? It's been on reality TV. So You Think You Can Dance, in fact!

The hoop is called a "cyr wheel" and appears to be the latest fancy-pants acrobatics apparatus. How fancy? Cirque Du Soleil fancy:

The more you know! You're welcome, Internet!

All I Want For Christmas is This Awesomeness...

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

Where it all began, on The Simpsons:

Bears

 Bears are divided into brown and white, also paws, head and trunk. They have nice snouts and small eyes. They like greediness very much. They don't want to go to school, but sleeping in the forest -- that, yes, very much. When they don't have any honey, they clutch their heads in their hands and are so sad, so sad, that I don't know. Children who love Winnie-the-Pooh would give them anything, but a hunter walks in the forest and aims with his rifle between that pair of small eyes.

Bears, from Zbigniew Herbert's Elegy for the Departure.

A Few Recent Pics At and Around Work

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Protips, Volume One

Over the this many [holds up hands, twiddles fingers] years I've been alive, I've actually learned a thing or two. Please allow me to share with you just a few of my Protips for Existence.

• PROTIP #1: If you're ever granted three wishes, your first wish should be "No funny business." In fact, you might as well end every wish with "And none of that Twilight-Zone-careful-what-you-wish-for nonsense."

• PROTIP #2: A surprising majority of the original Twilight Zone series can be summed up with  "Careful what you wish for."

• PROTIP #3: If you suspect you are in a Twilight Zone episode, MAKE NO WISHES.

• PROTIP #4: If anyone ever asks you to guess her age, say your own age. That way, if she gets offended, YOU can get offended.

• PROTIP #5: Donuts? Don't mind if I do.

As I continue to learn how to be an adult human being, I will be sure to share more Protips. I promise that fewer of them will be related to the Twilight Zone in the future......OR WILL THEY?

Drum Machines Have No Soul

drum_machines

I once read that people who place bumper stickers on their cars are more likely to exhibit road rage.I guess if this were the one sentiment I deeply felt I needed to express to the world and the only means I had for doing so, I'd be pretty pissed off, too.

The Wayback Machine - REPOST: OMG A Post About Shoe Care

To spruce up this new blog with a little content, please find below what proved to be a surprisingly popular post on my now defunct self-improvement blog which I started...oh, about this time last year. Ha.... That's not gonna happen with this blog. No, sir. [...shifty eyes...]

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was 5 foot 9.The first of many adulthood disappointments, I only grew to 5 foot 7.To compensate for my shortfall [heyo!], I wear a lot of high-heeled shoes. As you may have read in a previous post, I really enjoy looming over others—just standing there, kinda menacingly but with no expressed malice. I am also keen on the fact that one's shoe size remains fairly static, however one's weight may fluctuate. In summary, shoes are awesome and we should all buy a bunch of them. Yay!

Anywho, in the dual interests of protecting my investments and making them bearable to walk in, I have assembled the following tiny arsenal of products... Behind the cut, just a whole bunch of text that is, like, long and boring. Seriously, it's about shoe care. How fun could I possibly make it?

SURPRISE! It's a red panda! Look at that guy, acting all bipedal. He think's he's people.

Okay. Shoe stuff.

1 )Frye Leather Conditioning Cream -- I use this on smooth leather boots or on any stiff leather shoes that need a little softening. It makes everything feel luxe and buttery and also helps prevent drying and cracking. Most importantly, it gives me the opportunity to pretend I'm a 19th-century Cockney bootblack. [If you understand this reference, you are either Janice or another totally awesome person.]

2 )Insolia High Heel Inserts -- I never wear heels over 4 inches high unless they have a platform. I just can't hack it, man. But, even with the platforms and the lower heels, my feet get tired. My body is just a little too hefty to be comfortably supported by a stiletto heel and an inch of ball of foot. In the interest of being able to wear my precious, precious heels even an hour longer, I have tried pretty much every shoe insert I could get my hands on, from drugstore brands to those department store petals. These are my current favorites, particularly because they're available in different sizes. That "for sizes 6-10" nonsense is... nonsense.

3 )2-Way Shoe Stretchers -- Sometimes I'll like a shoe so much that even if it's a half-size too small, I'll buy it anyway. These shoe stretchers have allowed me to indulge this impulse with abandon. They adjust both in width and length, stretching a shoe from the toe box to the heel counter. You can actually have this done at a shoe repair shop, but I prefer 1) having some control over the degree to which they're stretched and 2) not paying someone to do something I can do myself.

4 ) Shoe Stretch Spray [I can't find the brand I have online, but here's a similar one] -- I use this in conjunction with the shoe stretchers to speed along the process. I also use it alone, when shoes just need a wee bit of breaking in. A couple of quick sprays before putting on your shoes for the day seems to work nicely.

5 )Kiwi Suede & Nubuck Protector -- This one's self-explanatory, right?

6 )Apple Rain & Stain Repellent -- I actually purchased this stuff for my fancy purses, but often use it on my fancier shoes. I chose this particular item because, during my extensive and shamelessly dorky research of handbag and shoe care, the Apple brand of products always came out as the most highly recommended by those in the know -- cobblers, stylists, ladies with a bunch of money. There's a clear lesson here: Macs are better than PCs.

7 )Dr. Scholl's® For Her Rub Relief™Stick -- I like to keep a "contingency plan bag" in my purse. In it you'll find safety pins, hair clips, band-aids, hand sanitizer, a pack of moist towelettes (hand sanitizer does NOTHING for barbecue sauce), a mini stain eraser (did I mention barbecue sauce?), sunscreen, ibuprofen, ginger (for motion sickness), tweezers, nail clippers, dental floss, breath mints, lip balm, hand cream, mascara, mattifying powder (with mini kabuki brush), rubber bands, apparel tape and this stuff. Even with all the crap I have to take care of my shoes, sometimes they still rub me the wrong way. This stuff relieves a bit of the friction and helps prevent blisters. [Note: Maybe if I laid off the barbecue sauce, I could cut down on the contents of my contingency plan bag. Alternatively, maybe I should add barbecue sauce to my contingency plan bag.]

8 )Dr. Scholl's® For Her Rub Relief™ Strips -- If I know there are specific spots in my shoes that consistently rub or cause discomfort, I apply a little strip of this stuff to them. These strips are inexpensive, widely available and can easily be removed from your shoes without any damage.Now wasn't this thrillingfascinatinginformative adequate? If you made it all the way through this post, I commend you. Here's a hug: HUG.

An Observation: Tiny Hats

During some recent internet window shopping, I stumbled upon an unsettling trend: tiny hats. What is with these tiny hats? Are there women who fear their heads simply do not appear large enough and who must compensate by wearing a doll’s hat? Is “hydroencephalitic” a look we are actively attempting to cultivate? I am confused and befuddled. As a person with a rather enormous noggin, it has never occurred to me to accentuate this fact. “I have the head of a giant and mock your mortal accessories! They are as a child’s plaything to me! Look on my head, ye mighty, and despair!“ Personally, I approach with apprehension any trend that can be traced back to Homer Simpson — particularly Homer Simpson as a prison snitch (though he does seem to be enjoying that tiny hat immensely). From left to right:

• Rad Hatter Fascinator @ ModCloth.

• April Mini Chapeau Headband @ FredFlare.

• Small Begginings Fascinator @ ModCloth.

Edited to Add: Tim & Eric recognized this market long ago: VIDEO.

Sanity Savers

Another day, another million little hassles. Paper cuts, shoe scuffs, running out of toilet paper — it’s a wonder you can overcome the paralyzing fear of what new terrors await you in the world and even get out of bed in the morning. I applaud you, ladies and gentlemen, for having the courage and perseverance simply to exist. Clap, clap, clap.I, too, find everyday existence kind of a struggle. It’s the little things that get you, you know? Well, today I’d like to share with you three simple solutions to those little things that get you. These items help spare my sanity on a daily basis.

1) THE BRACELET BUDDY

Over the years, my parents have gifted me with all kinds of fancy jewelry items. They’re very pretty and I wish I could wear them all the time. Alas, things like delicate little diamond bracelets are a total bitch to put on by oneself. Actually, they’re kind of a bitch to put on even with B–’s (my significant other) help. I’ve got arthritis and he’s got man hands. It just doesn’t work out.But, thanks to a late night spent watching the History Channel (Ancient Aliens, anyone?), I discovered the Bracelet Buddy, and my bracelet-wearing woes were at an end.

The Bracelet Buddy is an inexpensive little tool that holds one end of your bracelet in place while you secure the clasp. Although, I must say that, while it is an exceptionally useful doodad, I can’t help but think that I could have achieved something similar with, say, an alligator clip, a chopstick and some gold spray paint.

If you have these items in your possession, you pretty much have a bracelet buddy.

2) NICKEL GUARD

Though I have been lucky enough to receive some fine jewelry from my parents and from B–, the greater portion of my jewelry and accessories, things I buy for myself within my limited budget, is not of the fancy variety. This poses yet another problem, as it turns out I am allergic to pretty much every metal that isn’t gold or platinum… so, basically, everything. [Maybe this is why I don't wear enough accessories?] Anywho, while simple avoidance seems to be the going prescription for metal allergies, I somehow get away with wearing costume jewelry and accessories, thanks to 

Nickel Guard

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Nickel appears to be the chief allergen in costume jewelry (and even some of the buttons on your clothes) and isbanned from use in the manufacture of personal accessories in several countries, but not in the States. Nickel allergies can be quite serious and can require medical attention, so please don’t take my suggestions as legitimate, medical advice. My experience is simply that: my experience.

You may have heard that a coat of clear nail polish can serve as an effective, protective barrier between your skin and allergy-causing metals. I’ve heard this, too, and it’s kind of how I happened upon Nickel Guard. I had to know if it was true. Well, according to an article in Entrepreneur magazine, it is. However, the article alluded to another product that proved more effective than nail polish:

Dr. Anderson and his colleagues compared barrier coatings such as clear nail polish, nail hardener, Super Glue, and Nickel Guard; they found Beauty Secrets Nail Hardener to be the most cost-effective option (Dermatitis 2008; 19:28-31).Nickel Guard (Athena Allergy) was found to be more effective than Beauty Secrets Nail Hardener, but it is more expensive and harder to find–it generally has to be ordered online, noted Dr. Anderson, who reported having no relevant disclosures.

Well, I had to have the that. Why wouldn’t I want something that’s more effective at preventing my hideous transformation into a rash-covered, lobster monster? As far as cost is concerned, it actually isn’t that much more expensive than a fancy, brandname nail polish. Harder to find? This is the internet! How hard could it possibly be? Besides, ordering online is my preferred method of ordering anything. Google that shit. Done. WINNING.In my experience, Nickel Guard has consistently allowedme to wear jewelry and accessories of questionable provenance without a problem. Be forewarned, however, just like nail polish, this stuff has a rather strong smell and should be allowed to air out and dry completely before wearing.

3) Static Spray by The Laundress

I chose to write about this item because I’m going to be using it today, when I finally get around to washing up and pulling on a vintage dress. Do you remember static cling? I had all but forgotten about it until I started wearing vintage. Now, it is the bane of my existence. To me, it is the most perfect, non-human, physical embodiment of “annoying.” It’s not harmful or dangerous. It’s just a persistent nuisance that arises out of simple physical processes that, though we may understand them, happen at a level (atomic) so minute as to escape our unaided, immediate perception and therefore, to my mind, is equivalent to some sort of witchcraft. Sure, it’s not dangerous, but it is evil.To combat the scourge of static cling, I mist the insides of my dresses with a healthy dose of the Static Solution by The Laundress. There are several other anti-static sprays on the market, but I’ve found this one to be the least offensive in terms of odor. The fragrance is actually kind of pleasant. Also, the spray bottle is small enough to tuck into your purse for use later in the day. Win.Okey dokey. Hope you might have found this useful. I have many, many other sanity savers to share with you if you did. Have a good Wednesday.